


Something Worth Fighting For

by winterfirehair



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Blood, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 18:36:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15125471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterfirehair/pseuds/winterfirehair
Summary: He doesn't need help. There is no help for someone like him. || Inspired by 'Paralyzed' (by NF).





	Something Worth Fighting For

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is basically "Make Me Feel Something" but from Alex' perspective. Obviously you don't have to have read "Make Me Feel Something" because technically, this is the same story.

Alex doesn't know the exact time when he gets out of his bed in the middle of the night after some hours of trying and failing to sleep. There's too much on his mind to sleep and it's getting harder with every passing day.

He makes sure to be as silent as possible as he sneaks over to the door, his footsteps soft and careful. Justin is sleeping right next to his bed and the last thing Alex wants is to wake him.

Opening the door, he silently steps out in the dark hallway and closes the door behind him. He holds his breath until he reaches the bathroom.

The feeling in his chest is weird, but he's getting used to it. The tightness that makes it hard to breathe and seems to painfully squeeze his heart. It's been there for weeks and it feels like it's getting worse every day.

He kneels and slips his fingers inside the small room between the cabinet underneath the sink and the wall, where he has hidden what he needs right now. The small razor blade feels cold against his skin. It feels like death.

Sitting down on the toilet seat, he pulls the sleeve of his pajama top up to expose his lower arm. The results of countless other nights he has spent this way smile at him from their places on his pale skin. Some of them are already healing, others are a bright red, the cut skin irritated and inflamed. They hurt, but the pain feels numbed, like it's not really part of him.

He cuts into his lower arm without thinking about it. Feels his skin rip and give way to the sharp blade. It doesn't hurt.

A small trickle of blood runs down his arm and he watches with mild curiosity. Another swipe of the blade deepens the cut and the blood stream gets stronger. It drips down on his naked feet. It feels cold.

The knot in his chest seems to loosen the more he mutilates his own flesh. It takes five cuts until Alex feels his eyes water. Another cut and salty tears join the blood on his arm and feet.

A sob echoes through the silent room.

Another cut. More blood leaking from his body, running down his arm and over his fingers. It looks beautiful.

He can't stop. Tears are blinding his vision as he continues to deepen the cuts. He wants to see more blood. He wants to feel the pain, but it's still numbed. It's there, but it's far away. Out of his reach. He cuts deeper.

He's just about to add another cut when the bathroom door suddenly opens. It's Justin, staring at him in shock.

Alex freezes like a deer in the headlights. There's still blood running down his arm. If it wasn't for his little sniffles, he's sure they could hear it drip from his fingers right now in the silence of the night.

His hands tremble. He's been caught. How could this happen? He's always been careful. His father and brother never noticed how he slips out of his bed almost every night to make himself bleed. And now fucking Justin Foley has to catch him doing it.

Alex doesn't realize he can't breathe anymore until there are black dots dancing around wherever he looks. His heart is racing in his chest. It's painful.

Justin is by his side when Alex slides onto the ground, pulling the blond against his chest. Alex barely hears the other boy talking to him. Desperately, he tries to breathe, but there's no oxygen reaching his brain. He'll black out. He'll die, suffocated by his fear, his anxiety.

But isn't that exactly what he wants?

He's been thinking about death for weeks. How often has he held the blade against his wrist? Two quick, deep cuts and he would bleed out. Just like Hannah did. Just like Hannah did because of him.

He smiles. He's so pathetic, Here he is, cutting his arms open like the loser he is, having a panic attack and clinging onto Justin Foley of all people. He's shaking like a leaf. Weak.

He doesn't see the horror on Justin's face. For him, Justin's expression is one of disgust. He knows the teen will go to school tomorrow and tell their clique about what he saw this night. And Alex will go home after enduring a school day full of mockery, lock himself in the bathroom and finally make the last cuts.

"Come on Alex..."

Justin's whisper is filled with fear and horror. Alex doesn't understand at first, because it doesn't fit his expression, but after blinking a few times, he finally realizes that Justin isn't disgusted. He's terrified.

He manages to take a proper breath then. Slowly, he's calming down again. After some minutes, he's able to pull away from the other boy, who's now the one shaking. Alex coughs. The whole situation is so fucked up. Justin should never have seen him like this. Nobody should have.

"Thanks. Go back to bed, Justin."

The boy only stares at him. "Are you crazy?"

Alex almost laughs. "Is that a serious question?"

He doesn't feel amused though. He's only tired. Tired of everything. After a moment of silence, he stands, cleans the razor blade and hides it again. He almost overhears Justin's question, the boy's voice merely a whisper.

"Why are you doing this?"

For a moment, he's surprised by the question. It almost sounds like Justin cares. But just as the possibility flashes through his mind, his expression hardens. There is no way he's going to talk about this with Justin Foley. Or anyone.

"Don't. Go back to bed and forget what happened. You haven't seen anything."

He turns away to leave the room. There's still blood on his arm and his fingers, but he can clean that with some paper tissues in his room. When Justin suddenly grabs his wrist and turns his arm to display the wounds, he flinches.

"Do you really think I can just pretend I haven't seen this? I know I'm an asshole but seriously man, you need help!"

Alex tries to pull away, hissing at the other teen. "I don't need your help!"

He doesn't need help. There is no help for someone like him.

Justin only shakes his head with a sad smile. Alex tries to ignore it, but it somehow stings to see it. "No. You just don't want it."

There's truth in this, Alex knows it. He doesn't want Justin's help. Not that Justin could help him in the first place. Pulling away, he avoids looking at the teen. "Go the fuck to bed."

"I will."

Alex almost snorts. He knew Justin doesn't really care.

The boy gently touching his shoulder is unexpected.

"But only if you tell me why you're doing this."

Alex' first instict is to tell Justin to finally fuck off. He doesn't need help, he doesn't want help. Nobody would understand. This is his fight and his alone.

But there's this silent plead somewhere in his mind. He wants to talk. He wants to be understood.

His pride - or what's left of it - looses the fight against the soft plead.

"Did you ever just feel... nothing?", he whispers softly, struggling to put it into words. He still avoids looking at Justin. His cheeks are burning with shame, so he quickly continues. "It's like you're numb. Like... all your feelings are just gone."

He looks down at his arm, the pale skin torn countless times, smeared with drying blood. Once again his eyes start to fill with tears. "I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore."

When Justin suddenly wraps his arm around Alex, he doesn't struggle. It's unexpected affection that finally causes the tears to fall, but he feels nothing but the weird lump in his chest. His body is numb.

He cries silently while Justin gently holds him. Alex can feel the warmth of his body against his, but it doesn't do anything for the teen. He's cold from the inside, not the outside.

After a while, Justin carefully begins to treat his wounds. Alex barely feels any pain, even when the other teen applies disinfectant onto his arm. There's a sting, but it's just as numbed and distant as everything else.

He knows that Justin probably thinks of him as a pathetic loser, but he can't bring himself to care anymore. It's over anyways. It's been over for weeks, he's just too weak to finally end it all. Once he finds the strength to finally do it, everyone will know how pathetic he was. They'll talk about him just like they do with Hannah. He'll be the next Hannah.

Almost gently, he pushes Justin away and wipes his tears away with the back of his hand. "Go to bed. I told you why, now leave me alone."

He hates himself even more when his voice cracks.

There's a moment of silence.

"No."

Alex stiffens. He didn't expect this answer.

"I won't leave you alone Alex. I'm part of this now and I'm not going to leave you alone if I have to be afraid your locker will be the next one where people lay down stupid flowers and cards."

Justin sounds so determined. It's frightening Alex and he can't help but think of it as a bluff. There's no way Justin cares about him. Why should he?

"As if you care. As if anyone cares.", he snorts, even though a part of him wishes Justin is telling the truth. He silences that part quickly.

"I care, even if you don't want to hear that. And Jessica cares. And Zach cares, too. You're our fucking friend Alex, of course we care."

Alex thinks about it. Jessica has been worried for weeks, ever since his stomach pain has been getting worse. Zach had told him more than once that he could always talk to him if something was on his mind. And Justin... well, Justin is here, isn't he? Doesn't that mean he cares?

He tries to force the thoughts away. Nothing of this means anything. If he gets attached to anybody now, they'll just hold him back. He doesn't want to hear anything that could change his mind about ending it all.

"What can I do to help you, Alex?"

He hears and feels how Justin steps closer. By the way his voice cracks, Alex is sure that Justin is about to cry himself. It shatters something inside the blond.

"Make me feel something.", he breathes out without thinking about it.

Justin doesn't make him wait. Gently, he makes him turn around and takes Alex' chin between his thumb and index finger to make Alex look up at him.

It's like he's looking at Justin for the first time. Really looking at him, taking in all the details he didn't care about before. There's so much sadness in the other boy's blue eyes and Alex can't help but feel overwhelmed knowing that Justin feels sad because of him.

He can feel that something is building up between them. It's not unfamiliar, but it's the first time it happens with another guy. For a moment, Alex is even able to forget that they are not exactly friends.

When Justin leans forward to brush his lips against Alex', the blond can't help but lean into the kiss in an almost needy way, a small whimper dying in the back of his throat. He grips Justin's shirt tightly, afraid he'll fall if he doesn't somehow ground himself, despite the fact Justin is carefully holding him.

It's a sweet kiss. Innocent. It's everything they are not.

Alex doesn't want it to end, but still they part after a while. For the very first time in weeks, he's not feeling numb anymore. It's not some miraculous cure, but it has changed something. He's feeling a little less lonely, a little less lost.

 

They share Alex' bed for the rest of the night. The blond feels too awkward to ask Justin to stay with him, so he just gently takes his hand and makes the taller boy crawl into his bed with him. And Justin understands.

It's been weeks since Alex felt as calm as he does now, lying in Justin's arms, his back pressed against the other boy's muscular chest. Curling up in fetal position he closes his eyes.

He doesn't understand what this makes Justin and him, but in a way he's glad that Justin has caught him. Maybe this is something worth fighting for.


End file.
